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The In-between Times of Knowing and Not Knowing

As I waited for my mom to pass into the next world I wrote in my journal about how time felt suspended, magnified and also crystal clear. There was the knowing but not knowing when, or if she would pass in peace.

These feelings remind me of the time when I closed my homeopathy practice to allow myself time and space to fully heal from breast cancer treatment. I had no idea what was next, how I would move forward with my life. I recall the luxury of days spent writing and making. Initially terrifying, it turned out to be a time of creativity, of new ideas for how to move forward.

Author Teva Harrison wrote In-Between Days, a memoir about living with cancer. Teva inspired me tremendously, as she spoke and wrote about being diagnosed with incurable breast cancer at age 37. Not only did she lobby and speak out, she also lived life fully and with immense joy.

Now as I adjust to life without my mother in this world I’m taking time to think about what is important, what my mother’s life represents, what she taught us and what she gave to the world. It also makes me think of my mothering role. What am I passing on to my family?

This in-between time gives me space to think and to grieve the loss of my mom. My experience of grief is a feeling of being unmoored, ungrounded. I’m trying to take the time to process and to be open to the gifts that are in this moment.

Hand hooked rug "Unconditional", hooked in pinks and green

The in-between times can be a space of discoveries, of clarifying what is important, what to keep doing, what to do more of and what to discard. When life as ‘normal’ gets off track (due to a pandemic, retirement, illness, grief, etc.) it can be an opportunity to really be in the present, to take stock, to be here now.

Writing prompt

Write or sketch about an in-between time. What was the experience like? Were there hidden gifts?

Related blog posts

Ode to a friend I never met (about Teva Harrison), Who am I now – crisis or opportunity in transitionThe space of not knowing, and Choice.

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